DROP NO. 3......COME ON DOWN!

Hello Jizz fans.

Since we last spoke- all of three days ago, lots has been happening.
First of all since egg collection, we have had seen our 20 eggs...whittled down to 9 fertililzed ones...which is fantastic news. The embryoligist called me to tell me all was going well - and we should expect egg transfer on Friday  - at 11.15am.

Wow.

In the meantime I'm giving Lulu the Gestone injection each night at 9pm. This stuff is disgusting, its like oil. And even though I am fantastic at administering needles now.....it stings to high heaven once its put it. And also causes bruising on the bum, like you wouldnt believe. Evil, nasty stuff. Dr Madeinheaven has told us to rotate the area we inject..so both bum cheeks, and both thighs. My wife is going to look like I have beaten the crap out of her.

*note to social services, I am not harming my wife and would never do such a thing. Unless she really p**ed me off*


So those injections are a jolly bit of fun for the next few weeks - we're not sure how long they will continue.....hopefully not long.

So we come to today. Egg transfer.

We got to the clinic with plenty of time to spare, and took up our seats in the waiting room. Both of us we're smiling and happy, knowing that this bit was 'hopefully' the last part of the process. It wasnt long before we were called to another waiting room (the same one from Tuesday) and we were then ushered to a bed to change. I found out that I can be in the procedure room for this one! Yee Ha...but I would have to scrub up.......

Come on, be honest. I rock this look. I should've been a doctor. This is my 'Im going to take your temperature' pose. Notice my protruding finger, ready to examine......

So into the room we went, I sat at the end of the bed/table/torture machine that Lulu had been on days earlier. There were stirrups (yeehaa) and at the end of them......boots. Like big old moonboots from the 70's. Once in position, Dr Madeinheaven popped a metal object into my wifes Va-Jay-Jay.....kind of like a clamp. He then knocked on a serving hatch.

Yes, a serving hatch...you know, like the ones your Nan and Grandad had in-between the kitchen and dining room. Out of the serving hatch popped an Embryologists head...who said hello.

Now in these sort of situations I tend to make jokes to 'lighten the mood'. So, on seeing the lady's head through the serving hatch I said...

'Cheesburger and Chips please...no gherkins'

My wife was not amused.

Anyhoo - after a number of ID checks (you really want to make sure you get the right embryo put in the correct Va-Jay-Jay.) Dr Madeinheaven was passed a long needle with a floppy bit on the end that looked like a strawberry lace.

This was then popped into my wife's tuppence, and before you could say 'Wham Bam Thank You Mam' the procedure was complete. Simple....and only about 5-10 mins in total. Amazing.

Also what was amazing, the fact that my wife didn't urinate all over Dr Madeinheaven. We were told that Lulu needed to have a full bladder before the procedure. And boy was it full - in fact she could have fired her aft torpedoes at any given moment. But she held on like a trooper....and Dr Madeinheaven was thankful.

Now I need to tell you what happened to the other eggs/embryos  - Of the 9 fertilized, they pick the ones that have grown to at least 6,7, or 8 cells for transfer. Two of our eggs were at 8, one at 7 a couple at 6 and the rest below that. The one they picked to put in today is a humdinger...or as the nice embryologist called it

'Top quality'

She sounded a little like a market trader trying to close a deal....but we trusted her judgement. This egg was called Drop No 3....... that's the name our unborn child is at the moment...Drop No 3.

The others (Drops No 1,2,4,5,6,7,8,9) will be assessed over the next 2 days, and hopefully a couple will be good enough for freezing. Great news if that works.

So now.......we wait again. We have booked an appointment for later in the month, to take a pregnancy test....and then....well, who knows.

Mother Nature has to take its turn in the process now, Lulu has to chill for a fair few days, take it nice and easy....and we keep everything cross. So until the next time....when you'll hear the exciting conclusion to this tale...here is a pic of Drop No 3 in my wifes womb.  See if you can spot it.

Remember 'Spot the Ball' in the papers? This is the same....if you guess correct you will win a HUGE AND AWESOME PRIZE!

*prize is not huge or awesome.....there is no prize*

REVENGE OF THE CUPPY

Hello fellow Jizz fans.

Last time I wrote on the blog, we had just administered the Prostap injection. Thats the one designed to stop the monthly cycle, and prepare for the next stage. Although I did forget to put something in the last blog. The hospital gave us a sharps container....a plastic bucket for all the needles. Now this receptacle has a top that pull over to shut it, when you have finished with it....after ALL the injections.

I closed it.

Idiot.

So no further 'sharps' can be put in there, and my idea of 'chucking them in the park like the druggies do' didnt seem to go down well. Luckily, it seems I am not the only doofus who has done this....and on our next appt at the clinic...they gave us another.

Which brings me to that next appt. It was about a week after the initial appt, and we had a scan to see how thick/thin the lining of the womb was....and whether we could start on the next injections the Menopur.
http://www.menopur.co.uk/

Our Dr (the really nice one we've had for the last couple of appts - who we'll now call Dr Madeinheaven) was very happy with the progress Lulu was making, and we're ready to start on the daily injections! Great stuff! A lovely nurse (who was very impressed with my Star Wars t shirt - it was one of my favorite Stormtrooper Adidas ones, she had taste) proceeded to show me and Lulu how to administer them - I would be giving Lulu the daily injections. We had to decide on a time that we could do this each day - one where we were both around of course! We went for 9pm. We are usually on the sofa watching TV at that time - im in bed by 10pm...I have to get up early, and I like my bo bo's.

So the night came, for the 1st injection....and all went well. I have to inject Lulu into her stomach, just below the belly button. The hardest part though - is getting the liquid into the syringe. First you have to get the liquid into the bottom of this phial thingy, then snap off the top (making sure you snap it in the right direction...or it will crush in you hand.

Which happened.

Twice.

Then you take the syringe with a long needle on it, and draw up the liquid. Then pierce the first powder bottle with the needle and put the liquid in....then draw it up, and repeat depending on your dosage.

Easy.

Or not, as it turns out . Nurses make this look really simple, but its actually quite a skill. Pulling the liquid up, making sure you've got it all.....and then the plunger wants to push it all back in, due to a vacuum. It takes a bit of practise, and I hasten to say a few 'stern words' between husband and wife, before it all works by clockwork. But after a few goes...all is well.

This goes on for a fair few days, we even let my bestest mate have a go at injecting my wife. They were both keen.....not sure what I should read into that.  It was a good idea though, to make sure that if I wasnt around, Lulu didnt have to inject herself...she wasnt up for that.

Lulu went for a scan last week to see how everything was going, and we had 19 eggs.....some small, some big, but Dr Madeinheaven was very happy with the progress. He then decided we should have another scan at the end of the week (Saturday) and we'll be looking at the next stage.....Egg collection.

Wow.

This is going really fast now. After all this waiting.....and appts, and emotion, we are finally getting there....

Saturdays scan was good. All 19 were looking ready for collection. We now had to give lulu another drug, on Sunday night at 830pm called Pregnyl. http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100002130.html
This gets the eggs all ready and raring (I now can't get the film 'Alien' out of my head....) Anyhoo - the time was specific, as we were going for collection Tuesday (today) and we had to be at the clinic for 730am.

We have been told all about the collection day, everyone has said...its the most painful part of the procedure....And they are right.
They gave Lulu a sedative to take the night before, and one this morning.....and boy did they work. She was as high as a kite on the way in. She was having way too much fun.... not for long.
We got to the clinic and ushered into a waiting room away from the main reception - with a few other couples. This was after we had another scan with Dr Madeinheaven, and he had put the 'tap' in Lulu's arm...so she can have MORE DRUGS!
Then we were taken into the recovery room, and Lulu had to get into the robe, and the embryologist came to get me...for my part of this process.....

Yes Its CUPPY!

We havent seen each other for so long, she hasnt changed you know....still the same size, shape, etc. We reminisced for a while, ahhh the talks we had about what we would do later...maybe go for a drink, catch a show.....Oh the plans we had!

Its a plastic fucking cup.

And today it was my nemesis.

I have never had a problem 'performing'. But you add in the pressure that comes with today, and let me tell you.......it wasnt easy. Now I know, that what I was doing bares a minuscule amount of relation to what my wife was now going through....but its all I had to do. Just one sample.....and mein gott it was tough. Eventually after what seemed like ages (im sure I heard two or three doors open, shut, then the guy open the door and go out again....) I was able to 'clean the pipes' as it were. Although I should tell you, that there is a box on the envelope you put cuppy back into that says.....'did you get the whole sample'

The answer would be no.

My aim, alas, was not perfect.....and possible sperm were lost on the floor.

We are holding a memorial service for the lost men at 10am tomorrow morning, you are all invited.

This was the most unpleasant choking of the chicken ever. Not that doing it in a sterile room is ever nice, but because it was such an effort, no joy was to be had. Maybe thats right though....because in a room not far from me, they were ripping out 20 eggs from my wifes ovaries.

I say ripping, im sure its a little more complicated than that - in fact it is. Effectively what they do is send into your loved ones love canal a long probe with a needle on the end (all very small) they drain each follicle of the fluid....and suck that all up. Then, under a microscope they can see if there is an egg in it. This is a painful process, don't let anyone tell you any different.

The whole procedure take about 20 mins, which is unbelievable...and Dr Madeinheaven did the collecting for us....he wasnt supposed to, but he made sure he was rota'd on JUST for our case. He is a legend. As is my wife. She looked quite a bit worse for wear when I went in the recovery room. Pale, weepy, and in some pain.
She took a bit of time to feel better, about an hour and a half, before we could get ready to go. Not before.......I had to administer another injection!!!

This time its called Gestone  http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100005218.html

And this one goes in the bum. Every day, at 9pm.....poor Lulu. It just doesn't end. We have to go back for a scan and chat on Thursday morning with Dr Madeinheaven, and hopefully we'll be back in Friday or Saturday...when they will transfer the embryo....

Because thats what they are doing now......this is the really blow your mind bit of this whole process. Right now, in a Petri dish our son/daughter is being given life. They have found 20 sperm of mine (ones that look gorgeous, and handsome just like their dad)....they've snapped off their tails....and injected them into each of Lulu's 20 wonderful eggs. Then.......nature finally takes its part. Cells start to divide, and the egg becomes fertilised.

We are looking for at least one of those 20 to go Blastocyst. http://www.hfea.gov.uk/blastocyst-transfer.html

That should be between 2-5 days after collection......

So we're expecting Friday or Saturday. We should hear tomorrow, and every day now from the embryologist how they are doing....and they will give us an idea on the exact day for transfer.

Right now though, Lulu is sleeping....she is absolutely shattered, one from the procedure, and I would imagine from emotional exhaustion.

We wait, and hope....that we can get to the next stage........



 

HOUSE MD

Hello again dear reader.....we find ourselves now at the start of 'the process'....

I've always fancied myself as one of those 'cool' doctors. If I had the time/talent/stomach/intelligence to become one. Dr Doug out of ER, or Greg House...mean, moody...but nevertheless brilliant. The only problem being, I would never have been able to stand the ridiculous amount of time spent studying, and then....cutting people up, stitches...no way. Not for me.

So imagine my delight at the next stage of the IVF process. 

Injecting the wife. 

Cue all sorts of jokes - 'Isnt that the problem anyway!'.....'Shoudnt it be a pork sausage injection'....'She gets a little prick all the time' (that one -  most cruelly was from Mrs Harper)

Finished? Ok....lets tell you why I'm having to do this then.

We are at the stage now in the IVF process, when things are starting to happen....at long last, we have lift off. Firstly we had around a grands worth of drugs delivered to the house, not something that happens everyday. The one piece of advice we were given, was that some of the drugs need to be refrigerated...they would be in a cool box...and would need to be put in the fridge immediately.

So what did I do?

I put the medical ice packs in the fridge - leaving the drugs in the box......luckily we realised the mistake, and rectified the slight mistake

Ahem.

Everything else seemed to be there, all the syringes for the daily injections, and a box called 'Prostap' see this for techie jargon http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100002181.html . This is the first of all the injections that will be administered to Lulu when she has her next period.  It's weird how I can talk about the inner workings of my wife's womb to all and sundry at the moment, people at work know exactly when my wife 'has the painters in'. It's also funny, when I start talking about the process to people, and you can see their eyes glaze over. Not because they are uninterested in whats happening to our lives, but the complexities of egg collection, not the sort of conversation they are comfortable with. Needless to say...im having fun with it.

So now we have all the necessary implements, we need to decide on The Implementer. Who would be administering the injections, both the first one...and then when we really start chugging, the daily ones (which have to be done at the same time each day).

I of course held my hand up. ( I was in the St Johns Ambulance when I was 11. For a week.) So I felt I had the necessary qualities to 'step up'. I'm not that squeamish, and to be honest.....got quite excited about giving my wife daily injections.....(No more jokes please).

The date for the first injection, or 'First Strike' as I'm now calling it, was around the 21st of March...depending on when its Lulu's flag day. We decided to get away from it all, and pop up to Durham. My wife has family up there, and one of them keeps a house...which we had been offered. This seemed perfect, a nice break, relax, take the dog for long walks, eat, sleep, and pump my wife full of leuprorelin acetate. A perfect weekend.

The time came......on Saturday. We settled down at the kitchen table (all serious thinking/actions should be done at a kitchen table), made sure the dog was out of the way...he would love to play with the 'pointy sticky thing'. I turned the radio off....we were in the middle of nowhere and the only radio station we could get was Radio One....my wife was not happy with this monumental day being marked by soundtrack from Tinie Tempah.First we had to mix the medicine, and then take it into the syringe, replace the needle with the one for injection, tap, make sure of no air bubbles...and away you go.

Now after reading, and re-reading the instructions a couple of times, they told you to....

'Inject into the skin next/below the belly button, ensuring the needle is at least 1cm in...and depress plunger slowly until all solution has been deployed'

This would be quite easy if your wife, at the first insertion screamed  - 'OUCHIE OUCHIE OUCHIE GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT'

I proceeded to 'plunge' a little faster. Fearful that I had hurt my wife, I think I may have made things worse by pulling the needle out at an angle......I could feel a little, scraping. That must've smarted a bit. But she was a brave little soldier, and I proceeded to think of myself as 2011's answer to Dr Kildare (kids, speak to your parents). I need a white coat, and one of those mask thingys......

Now....we do a little more waiting.

31st of March to be exact, when I take my wife into the clinic for a scan...then we will begin on the daily injections.....and now I'm a veteran....it should be a doddle. In fact I'm thinking of spreading my medical wings somewhat....in to plastic surgery. 

I feel boob jobs are my calling......

EPISODE V - A NEW HOPE

Hey interested jizz readers.

How are you? Me? Well, I'm doing better. After last times shenanigans...things seem to be picking up. By now you will all know about our date with Dr Bitchfromhell. If not......then scroll down and take a goosy gander, its staggering.
We had another appointment yesterday, this time with the nurse. To be frank, I wasn't expecting anything from this appt. All last week, I thought they would call again rearranging for another time that would be almost impossible for me and the wife.

We had no call last week.


Ok.....We'd get there and they'd say they've made a big mistake and the funding has been cut from the IVF program.

They said no such thing.


Right, well while sitting in the waiting room, Dr Bitchfromhell would spot us, and using the dark side of the force, put my wife in a choke hold....I would leap from my seat, somersaulting towards the sith lord...at the same time as charging up my lightsabre ready for battle.  The finesse of my moves would put her off the choke hold for a split second, allowing me time for a frenzied attack...that left her lying on the ground, motionless....and at the edge of life.

There was no such battle (wouldve looked cool though)


In fact, the nurse came out and called our name at 2pm. Which by some staggering coincidence was the time of our appt. She took some papers off us, and said we'd be called in soon. Soon it was, only 5 minutes went by, when the same nurse...lets call her Nurse Fluffyandnice, popped back in the waiting room and guided us to a scan room for a chat.

And that's what we did. Chat. We chatted about the process, we chatted about any fears we had, we chatted about what would happen next,  we chatted about the price of fish (almost...but you get my drift). This was amazing. At last.....things started to happen.

She dealt with any worries I or Lulu had with a calm reassurance of a medical proffesional that knows how to handle.....human beings. She asked us whether we would be interested in taking part in one Doctors study about the chance of OHSS (jargon!!! see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ovarian_hyperstimulation_syndrome ) Of course we would! Would you like a kidney? What about some bone marrow...thats always in need!??!

At this point I think we would've said yes to anything. Luckily, they declined the kidney and bone marrow, but did take some blood, and my wee. (More tests before the fun starts!) It turns out that saying yes to this study, may not be such a bad thing, the Dr....from now on Dr Lovely....would be taking a special interest in our case, so we will get some 'preferential' treatment. Boom. We like preferential treatment. All it means is a couple of extra blood tests and scans for Lulu.....so not much from us at all. And you never know, it could help people in the future.

They took Lulu off for a scan in a different scan room, leaving me on my own........I had a sudden urge to play with the equipment....I wondered if I could scan myself. I mean it can't be that hard...switch it on, put some jelly stuff on my belly OOOOO COLD! Then rub the thingy (I believe thats the technical term) over my belly. Of course I didnt do this, as I know what would happen.

I would just be undressing and putting the jelly on my hands when they all walked back in.....'I was just....erm....going to try out the machine....., What other reason would I have for lubing up my hands'

Anyhoo - time flew in this appt - we were there for over 2 hours! (lucky we didnt get a car park ticket..that ran out after 1hr 30 mins!) We now have drugs on order.....something called a prostap injection. I have to give this to the wife...

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, I will be Greg House, a brilliant Dr...but with a gruff, unlikeable exterior. The nurse taught me how to do it......I cannot wait.  After that injection, we wait a couple of weeks....and then start different injections....one a day, every day at the exact same time for a week or so.

(Yes, I have to adminster them too.....! Yippee!)

So I will leave you here......we should be Go Go Gadget around the 21st March. Then the process should take around 4 weeks. All I have to do now is inject the wife a few times (pfnarr) and jizz in a cup for (hopefully) the last time.......

Cuppy's last hurrah.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK.......

Its been a while since my last post on this blog, and for this I heartily apologise. If I had anything to tell you about the IVF process since my last musings......of course I would have. But alas.....there has been slow progress. we've been waiting for an appointment to come through the post...detailing when THE PROCESS, will start.

I could've written and told you all about our lovely Christmas, where my wife/Santa (there may be kids reading) outdid herself getting me a Six Million Dollar Man doll, and a Ukulele ( I got loads more but dont wish to bore).  I may have sat down and told you about my best friend breaking his collar bone, and hand in a mountain bike accident. (he looked in awful pain for quite a while...and a bit stupid with a plastic claw).

All very interesting, and would make for a wonderful, if slightly run of the mill blog.

Actually something did happen before Christmas, we had to attend (all part of THE PROCESS) a evening seminar on IVF/ICSI at the Leeds Centre for Reproductive Medicine in Seacroft. I was quite excited to be able to show my wife the place of my last liason with cuppy. The evening went into a lot of detail, by use of a few powerpoint presentations, about THE PROCESS, and what we can expect. You can never see enough V-Jay Jay's and Willys on power point presentations I feel. It was informative, but what struck me most....was the amount of people in the same boat as us. The room was packed. All ages, all worried, all hoping for the same thing. It was well worth attendning though...and we went away knowing that the next stage....would be the first stage in THE PROCESS.


Exciting huh!

And we waited.

Then, in late November a letter arrived. Our appointment was scheduled for 19th January at 1:30pm. Excellent, I wouldnt have to take any time off work, and the ball was now rolling. Sit back and enjoy Christmas.

God Bless Us Everyone.

Until the week before the appointment (last week as I write this) the clinic phoned my wife and said that the appt has been cancelled. Can we make 9am on the same day. I don't think they realise that people have, oh what are they called......ah yes.... JOBS! Luckily for us, both our employers were flexible enough to move some stuff around and let us have some time off....for this was the start of THE PROCESS.

So this morning,  my wife awoke at around 4am. I had a bit of a lie in until 630am (I get up at 5 usually) We took the dog out, and left for the appt around 8am...getting to the clinic at 830. Nice. Early. No problemo.
We were called in to see the Doctor, lets for argument and legal reasons call her Dr Bitchfromhell.

She sat us down, and started running through our details, name, age, occupation...

'Oh I know you're a Radio Presnter!'

This is good I thought.....bit of extra nice service Im thinking.....

Then Dr Bitchfromhell  started to tell us that my sperm sample was all fine.

'Say what now?'

Regular readers will know that many Doctors have already told us that the main reason for infertility with us is my low sperm count, and low motility...they dont want to swim....and those that do, swim backwards. According to Dr Bitchfromhell that isnt the only reason...my wifes polycystic ovaries are also too blame. Put us together...and you've got one infertile couple.

This is what our GP told us when we started THE PROCESS last April 2010.......yes APRIL 2010! But since then the reason for not getting pregnant has flitted between the two. No one has given us the same answer twice, and to be honest....I don't care.

I know we can't get pregnant...I know its because certain things are not working in either or both of us....we just want to get on with IVF now please!

This appt was beginning to feel like deja vu. We were going over all the ground we have been over four, maybe five times with different people. Sending my wife for scans on her ovaries.....again to see whats happening, I was half expecting to see cuppy again...my wife and I start looking at each other with a 'what the fuck' face. And together we ask Dr Bitchfromhell the same thing...

'We've been through this few times now, we thought that today was the start of THE PROCESS...thats what we were told. Can you tell us whats going to happen now? How long will it take for this to all happen now....we've been on THE PROCESS since April...'

At this point, what happened next absolutely blew my mind. I quote now pretty much word for word what Dr Bitchfromhell said to our enquiry.........

'We have a process.....do not get aggressive with me, I do not appreciate people getting aggressive with me, I will tell you what happens in good time.'

You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Let me make this clear. At no point did either myself or my wife get 'aggressive'. If asking a question, after being bounced from pillar to post for nearly a year is aggressive...then lock me up now. Then to all intense and purposes she threw her toys out of the pram.

While filling out a bit of paperwork she then said........'Do you have any questions........Of course you dont....you know IT ALL'

Im sorry? Did you just get 'aggressive'?

She then went on to tell us about the open evening we had to attend.....something we did FOUR months ago.

We got out of there pretty sharpish as you can imagine. We booked our next appointment (a nurse consultation) for 21st Feb...and left in shock. Speechless.....bloody speechless. I have never been spoken to like that, in that tone since I was in primary school.

This Dr Bitchfromhell should not be a patient facing professional, she has no idea of how to handle social situations. Even if we were aggressive (which we were not) she should know that this is an extremely emotional situation, and peoples feelings are on the edge. How to handle people, and maybe empathy for them should be a prerequisite for all medical professionals, and especially ones dealing with such volatile emotional material.

I am absolutely disgusted with how we've been treated today, and will be writing a terse letter to her superiors....but that will have to wait, as we need her right now dont we. I'm quite a calm person, a glass is half full type of chap, always try to see the good in people. But after today, calmness is out of the window, the glass is now smashed on the floor, and sod the good in Dr Bitchfromhell.

She is on my shit list.

She is the only one on there. (Well, her and Jar Jar Binks)

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES

The last time we spoke, cuppy had left me. Hopefully I would only see her one more time, and then our brief, but ultimately unsatisfying relationship would be at an end. This was the last test to check whether we could go down the route of IUI (http://www.womens-health.co.uk/iui.html) or down the pregnancy cul-de-sac that is IVF.

It all depends on my swimmers, how handsome they are (morphology) how fast they swim, and the amount that do swim. The main reason we wanted to go for IUI was also financial. You see, you get 5 goes under our NHS trust at IUI...and only one shot at IVF. All your eggs in one basket as it were. So you can imagine...this result was like X-Factor times a million, just without four twats judging you. Just one scientist, casting their astute eye over my jizz.
We did as we were told, as soon as the sample was given we made an appointment with the Doctors at Pinderfield Hospital, and we waited.

And waited...

Until, our appointment card arrived.

5 weeks away.

And on a school day...again! More time off work.

So it came to the day of the appointment, I had arranged for 2 hours off from work thanks to a very understanding boss. And trotted off to the Hospital to meet the wife (lulu - you may remember her from previous postings). Our appointment was for 11am - I had to be back to the studios for around 12.15. Plenty of time.

Nope.

Thats only if the appointment is on time. Which it wasnt. It never is with these people. What is the point in booking a time 5 weeks in advance if your not going to keep it. I was getting very stressed, there was people in the waiting room with appt times of 10am....that still hadnt been seen at 1145!!! This is a shambles. I know we have one of the best health services in the world, and its free (for the most part). I have lived in other countries (Australia) where you have to pay for everything, so I understand what a godsend the NHS is. It really is.
But I was getting rather angry. That in turn wasnt making my wife happy, this is a stressful enough situation, without the added drama of late appts. It got to midday...and I had to leave. Not the best situation in the world....but what else could I do.
My wife eventually went into the appt at 1230. An hour and a half late.

Bastards.

My wife called me after to give me the news. And it wasnt good.

My swimmers were worse than we thought.....in fact first of all my wife told me they were almost completely useless. This was the info she gave me...

63,000,000 sperm of which 4,000 are any good.

WHATTHEFUCK???!??!?!?!?

My mind was reeling, only 4,000! The odds are not good. If this was a darts match, Phil 'The Power' Taylor would struggle hitting the bullseye. And Im crap at darts.

Thankfully the figures werent as bad as that - turns out the wife left a few zero's off. 4,000,000 are ok.

Phew. But still not good enough for IUI.

Its IVF or Bust.

So now guess what we're doing.....waiting. Waiting for a letter to come and get us into the Leeds Centre for Reproductive Medicine (where I last saw cuppy) and start the process proper.
We went along there last week for a 'new patients' night. Where a couple of doctors and nurses take you through the whole process.

It started strangely though, with the doctor showing us pictures of a womb, and how the reproductive system works.....for normal people.

Hey? Am I back in 2G1 at Winton Boys School? Yes I know where the penis goes, Oh I didnt realise you had to ejaculate in the vagina, I thought all over the..... You get my drift. Quickly though the talk was onto the more meaty stuff. And it was very interesting.
For example, there are two types of IVF - normal IVF and ICSI
The normal IVF, they take the sperm, the harvest a few eggs, and put them together in a dish and hope for the best. This is after pumping the woman full of hormones so she produces more eggs than needed. (At this point Im thinking of Aliens with Sigourney Weaver).
The other type (ICSI) is the one I think we're having. This is a bit brutal. The same preparation happens to the woman, but after my sperm are handed in, they pick the Micheal Phelps of the crew, snap off his tail so he cant go anywhere, and inject him directly into the egg. Boom.
It all sounds very complicated, and the chances are not fantastic. Around 40-50% success rate at our age. So there is light at the end of this tunnel.

One thing struck me about the night. There are lots of people in the same position as us. We are not alone. The room was packed with couples, some looking dejected, others hopeful, but all with the same wish. To be parents.

And thats when all this hits you. For all the messing around, late appts, relationships with plastic cups, masturbating in god awful places, visiting doctors, stress, blood tests, will it be IUI or IVF, money....it comes down to the fact, that you want to be a parent.
You want to have a Son or Daughter. You want a family. And if you keep that in mind, all the other crap pales into insignificance.

More soon I hope.

D

Cuppy strikes back!!

It's been a couple of weeks since my first post, so I thought I better keep everyone updated with the goings on in the fertility process.

Before I do I want to thank everyone for reading, and big thanks for all your comments, all of them are much appreciated. I especially love the feedback Im getting from people who have been through, or are thinking of,  or going through the same process. If the blog helps in anyway, I'm really chuffed....I think it may have even inspired one person to take fertility testing.  Good luck if you are... If your just reading it for a bit of a laugh, thats ok ...but remember, this is my junk we're talking about.

On to how everything's going......

In a word.....slow. As slow as my sperm.

When we last spoke, I told you that the next day I was off to the Jizz clinic to deposit a sample, I even put the appt time on the blog like a nice chap. I thought it would be good to keep you all informed to what was happening.

What I didnt expect was text messages on the way to the clinic with the general theme of this...

'I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!'

'I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU...HOPE YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT ME'

'GIVE CUPPY ONE FOR ME!'

All well and good, but it dawned on me as I drove like a maniac through Leeds to get to my appt....'Shit, I've got an audience for this....'  I would like to thank everyone who sent a text, it was appreciated, I did laugh, and I won't name you, for fear of retribution.

So lets get back to the appt. I had booked off some time at work (thanks boss) and had a 930 slot. I made it through the Leeds traffic, and arrived ...a little puffed out at the clinic bang on 930. Good for me I thought, In/out and back to work after lightening the load somewhat.
If only it was that simple......it was'nt.

After waiting for 15 minutes, I asked the receptionist lady (who had exceptionally bad body odour, not something that would 'put you in the mood') how long before my appt.

'About 20 minutes'

'Can I use the phone to call my boss and tell him?' I asked holding my nose and trying not to breathe. (I mean really....can people not smell themselves? Her colleagues must have smelt it, or are they now immune?) Anyhoo I digress....
I called my boss, told him of the situation, he understood...and off I went back to waiting.

About 10.05 I was called in.

The nurse lady sat me down, told me how good looking I was......and started to undress in the office.She had a fantastic body, toned and tanned.... Music was playing in the background a sort of Wacka Wacka Boom Boom sound.

'How about it big boy? Can I take your temprature.....?'

SORRY - that is for the version I'm writing for Penthouse magazine. Damn copy and paste.

Speaking of paste - the nurse gave me .......wait for it......Cuppy! And told me that I needed to go to The Room, give my sample and then wait on the chairs outside her office.

On leaving her office, I saw a couple of sheepish looking gents in the same predicament as me. We gave each other a knowing glance, a quick 'Alright?' No one really wants a conversation here....masturbation humour doesnt go down that well. It would be frowned upon to sit next to them and say...

'So......sperm going backwards are they?'

Its just not the done thing.

...... and off to The Room.
Now from my last post you will know that I have experience of these rooms before, but I must say this one was much better than Dewsbury hospital. I would give it a 7/10.

The first thing that caught my eye was this though....

It lead me to think.....what would you panic about?

'Help....Come quick .....I can't get wood!!'

or

'Help.... I've got wood....... I've come quick!'

Casting my glance around the room, it seemed the same sort of setup as everywhere else.Bed and chair with paper on, Antiseptic lotion, toilet, paper towels, adult material cupboard, frosted window.

Wait

Go back one.

Yes, this room had some....fnarr fnarr....

Just the words conjoured up all sorts of images.....but on opening the cupboard. A few dog eared copies of Juggs or whatever was all they had. And yes.....some pages were stuck together. I shit you not.

So....being under a bit of time constraints, (I needed to get back to work!) I performed some 'White Water Wristing' gave my sample and sat outside the nurses office.

I was half expecting her to say  'Wow that was quick'...but alas no. She just gave me the bill.

Yes, The Bill. As this pounding of the pudding cost me 95 quid.

So now......we wait. Because kind reader, our next appt couldn't be booked in until....... 5 weeks later. Until then we'll keep trying, and hoping, and I will be trying not to think of cuppy. Until the next time.

 But next time cuppy....make an effort, put on a nice bra and panties for christ sake.