The last time we spoke, cuppy had left me. Hopefully I would only see her one more time, and then our brief, but ultimately unsatisfying relationship would be at an end. This was the last test to check whether we could go down the route of IUI (http://www.womens-health.co.uk/iui.html) or down the pregnancy cul-de-sac that is IVF.
It all depends on my swimmers, how handsome they are (morphology) how fast they swim, and the amount that do swim. The main reason we wanted to go for IUI was also financial. You see, you get 5 goes under our NHS trust at IUI...and only one shot at IVF. All your eggs in one basket as it were. So you can imagine...this result was like X-Factor times a million, just without four twats judging you. Just one scientist, casting their astute eye over my jizz.
We did as we were told, as soon as the sample was given we made an appointment with the Doctors at Pinderfield Hospital, and we waited.
And waited...
Until, our appointment card arrived.
5 weeks away.
And on a school day...again! More time off work.
So it came to the day of the appointment, I had arranged for 2 hours off from work thanks to a very understanding boss. And trotted off to the Hospital to meet the wife (lulu - you may remember her from previous postings). Our appointment was for 11am - I had to be back to the studios for around 12.15. Plenty of time.
Nope.
Thats only if the appointment is on time. Which it wasnt. It never is with these people. What is the point in booking a time 5 weeks in advance if your not going to keep it. I was getting very stressed, there was people in the waiting room with appt times of 10am....that still hadnt been seen at 1145!!! This is a shambles. I know we have one of the best health services in the world, and its free (for the most part). I have lived in other countries (Australia) where you have to pay for everything, so I understand what a godsend the NHS is. It really is.
But I was getting rather angry. That in turn wasnt making my wife happy, this is a stressful enough situation, without the added drama of late appts. It got to midday...and I had to leave. Not the best situation in the world....but what else could I do.
My wife eventually went into the appt at 1230. An hour and a half late.
Bastards.
My wife called me after to give me the news. And it wasnt good.
My swimmers were worse than we thought.....in fact first of all my wife told me they were almost completely useless. This was the info she gave me...
63,000,000 sperm of which 4,000 are any good.
WHATTHEFUCK???!??!?!?!?
My mind was reeling, only 4,000! The odds are not good. If this was a darts match, Phil 'The Power' Taylor would struggle hitting the bullseye. And Im crap at darts.
Thankfully the figures werent as bad as that - turns out the wife left a few zero's off. 4,000,000 are ok.
Phew. But still not good enough for IUI.
Its IVF or Bust.
So now guess what we're doing.....waiting. Waiting for a letter to come and get us into the Leeds Centre for Reproductive Medicine (where I last saw cuppy) and start the process proper.
We went along there last week for a 'new patients' night. Where a couple of doctors and nurses take you through the whole process.
It started strangely though, with the doctor showing us pictures of a womb, and how the reproductive system works.....for normal people.
Hey? Am I back in 2G1 at Winton Boys School? Yes I know where the penis goes, Oh I didnt realise you had to ejaculate in the vagina, I thought all over the..... You get my drift. Quickly though the talk was onto the more meaty stuff. And it was very interesting.
For example, there are two types of IVF - normal IVF and ICSI
The normal IVF, they take the sperm, the harvest a few eggs, and put them together in a dish and hope for the best. This is after pumping the woman full of hormones so she produces more eggs than needed. (At this point Im thinking of Aliens with Sigourney Weaver).
The other type (ICSI) is the one I think we're having. This is a bit brutal. The same preparation happens to the woman, but after my sperm are handed in, they pick the Micheal Phelps of the crew, snap off his tail so he cant go anywhere, and inject him directly into the egg. Boom.
It all sounds very complicated, and the chances are not fantastic. Around 40-50% success rate at our age. So there is light at the end of this tunnel.
One thing struck me about the night. There are lots of people in the same position as us. We are not alone. The room was packed with couples, some looking dejected, others hopeful, but all with the same wish. To be parents.
And thats when all this hits you. For all the messing around, late appts, relationships with plastic cups, masturbating in god awful places, visiting doctors, stress, blood tests, will it be IUI or IVF, money....it comes down to the fact, that you want to be a parent.
You want to have a Son or Daughter. You want a family. And if you keep that in mind, all the other crap pales into insignificance.
More soon I hope.
D
