So, you've never jizzed in a cup?

You haven't lived until you've had an affair, with a plastic cup.

And for the past few months, that's exactly what I've been doing. To be honest, its quite a good relationship, if a little one sided. The cup, or Cuppy as I've grown to known it, doesn't answer back. Cuppy is quiet all the time to be honest, never making a sound of disapproval even when I want to watch football.
But alas, Cuppy is a bit of a bore.

It's a plastic cup.

Why have I been so attached to Cuppy?

Well, my wife and I, (from now on called Lulu....that is her nickname, she is not the diminutive Scottish singer of 'Shout' and other boppy 60's tunes).... have been trying for a baby, a little Darren or Lulu for quite a while now. Lets say its been....over 4 yrs of trying. Not that I'm complaining about the trying. But at some point you have to ask.....

'Hmmm no little sprog yet......could there be a problem with you honey?'

Both of you think this....and both of you hope its the other one who has the problem. Not that this makes any difference to the final outcome....you still cant conceive.
So we made an appointment with our GP, who was completely useless. He did however send us off for some initial tests.  Lulu had to go for a scan at the hospital to check the 'oven' was correctly wired, and I was given a plastic cup.
And so the great love affair with 'Cuppy' was born. Oh how we laughed on that first date, we talked and talked for hours, about everything....we found we had so much in common.....Ahem.

Anyhoo, the first time I had to give a sample I was told to 'do the deed' at home and take the population paste into Dewsbury Hospital. This had to be done at a pre arranged time, as they need the sample quite quickly after you have...err...relieved yourself.
I have never knocked on out according to a timetable before. So that was a first, but all went well (I had been practising since my teens) and off I trotted to the hospital. I gave 'Cuppy' over to the Pathology dept at the allotted time, bid my farewells to my plastic lover and made a quick exit.

When I went to my GP for the results, a locum was in. A German woman who didn't really understand the sheet of paper with my sperm analysis on. So we tried to understand it together...well I read through it and understood that my motility was not great.

JARGON SPEAK!!!!!
For more information on Sperm Motility I hand you over to our friends at Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sperm_motility

But all in all, it wasn't too bad, nothing too worry about she said......Never trust a German Locum. My wife and I went back to our GP and......He said my wife had some problems with Cervical Ployps -JARGON SPEAK!!!!!  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cervical_polyp .....His thoughts were to send my wife for an operation to remove them, and so would aid our attempt to get pregnant.

Easy.

Nope.

After this appt, we were referred to a fertility specialist, as they would be the ones to have the final say on Lulu going to hospital. We went over to Wakefield's Pinderfield Hospital and met with the nice lady Doctor, who began to look through our notes.

'Polyps are not the problem'  was the first revelation we had. What the hell Dr Death had been looking at, or where he was taught beggars belief.

Then I heard the immortal words when she read the results of my semen analysis.

'Did you miss the cup?'

There is nothing that can prepare you for this. Of course I said no. Looked a little sheepish, and hoped for the best. My mind works in funny ways, and all I could think of was that scene from Max and Paddy with Peter Kay when Max says...
'You want to be careful, you only get a bucketful'
Could this be true? Has my bucket been filled?

She decided that I needed to go for another sample. But this time.......to give the sample at the Hospital.

Hello Cuppy.

Another appointment to crack one off was made with Dewsbury Hospital, with one added difference. This time I booked....The Room. I've heard about these places, but nothing can quite prepare you for it. I knew it wouldn't  be some den of inequity, but I wasn't expecting such a grey and sexless place. I can perform the deed in most places, but I would need all my mental strength here. Let me describe it. The Room is no bigger than a third bedroom in a standard 3 bed house, it has a sink. It has a settee, covered in paper. It has a seat, covered in paper. It is right by one of the main entrances to the hospital.

Yes. A MAIN ENTRANCE.

All the way through you can hear the door banging as people sneak outside for a quick one. Cigarette, of course. Oh there is also a cabinet, much like Alan Partridge's draw in the Linton Travel Tavern, whats in there is a mystery...its locked. I know, I half hoped there would be a copy of Razzle from my youth. No.

But me being the utter professional, I soldiered through. Took the sample back to the nurse, said a final farewell to Cuppy and was on my way once more.

In the meantime Lulu had been for all sorts of invasive tests, blood test etc, and we went back to the fertility specialist for the diagnosis.

Lulu is perfect. All parts in working order. But alas, I am not so lucky. My motility is still slow, and I'm not producing enough sperm. Although they look good apparently see this link on Morphology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semen_analysis#Morphology

But, all in all, I'm in scientific terms, a bit of a jaffa.

We had two choices, go straight for IVF, which we get one shot (excuse the pun) on the NHS, or we could try IUI which we get 5 goes. But the Doctor wouldn't tell us which one to go for, she wanted to let the Leeds Centre for Reproductive medicine make the decision.

So guess what.

Me and Cuppy are seeing each other again tomorrow, for another clandestine meeting. This time in Leeds. I'm thinking of bringing out a book. 101 places to blow your beans. I think it's a sure fire winner.

So, good people reading this blog, I will be doing the one handed snake charming of the pant python around 9.20 on Wednesday 8th September 2010.  Think of me won;t you, I guarantee I won't be thinking of you, unless your name is Lulu, or Kylie, or Jennifer Aniston. Maybe Angelina Jolie if I'm in a tight spot.

D.